Obama will make all your wildest dreams come true
President Obama spoke about “our” economic crisis Saturday, Feb. 7 in his Weekly Address and attempted to comfort me about what he and his fellow politicians are doing to make my “dreams” come true. I’m so pleased to have someone other than myself looking after my dreams. Thanks, Barack, one less responsibility I have to worry about.
Obama said “We can’t expect relief from the tired old theories that, in eight short years, doubled the national debt, threw our economy into a tailspin, and led us into this mess in the first place.”
Alright, as we know, no good Obama address gets off the ground unless it takes a shot at that grossly inept administration that preceded his, so I’m glad to see Obama casting blame so readily and effortlessly in this address. But what are these “tired old theories” that Obama is referring to? Well, it can’t be exorbitant military spending because Obama has already made clear that he wants to escalate our military efforts to get those nasty Al Qaeda operatives threatening to blow the world up and everything. So I don’t think that theory is all that “tired” or “old.”
Perhaps Obama wishes to abandon the “tired old” theory that citizens appreciate empty political rhetoric from their leaders that mean absolutely nothing? Well, according to Obama in his Saturday address, “The American people know that our challenges are great. They don’t expect Democratic solutions or Republican solutions—they expect American solutions.” Wow, did you hear that? We expect American solutions. My chest is swelling up with pride as I write this. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve solved a problem in life by simply throwing an American flag at something. Clearly, American solutions are ten times better than tired old “regular” solutions.
Seriously though, what on Earth is an “American” solution? How do I even go about wanting such a thing anyway? Maybe an American solution involves fireworks or shiny things that blow up and make loud noises? Maybe it involves hotdogs and baseballs? Until anyone can tell me what President Obama is referring to when he talks about “American solutions” I’m just going to chalk this one up as empty rhetoric.
Since Obama is speaking about an economic crisis, maybe one of the “tired old theories” he’s talking about is the reckless printing and spending of value-less money that the previous administration and Federal Reserve took part in—you remember, the 700 billion dollar “bailout” bill that passed last October when it was oh so imperative that we give failing banks more capital to “get lending” again? So surely, this time around (a mere 4.5 months after the October bill) Mr. Obama would not be supporting another bill aiming to print 700 billion more dollars? Strictly speaking, I suppose, he’s not; but rather he’s supporting an 800 billion plus dollar bill referred to as a “stimulus package.” Fire up those printing presses, Mr. Obama, because that strategy is apparently anything but “tired and old.”
If the Bush administration was known for anything throughout its eight years of dominion, it was the strategy of fear mongering and pleading for quick action. Surely President Obama would not want to repeat this “tired and old” strategy? Well, here’s what Obama said on Saturday: “[I]f we don’t move swiftly to put this [stimulus] plan in motion, our economic crisis could become a national catastrophe. Millions of Americans will lose their jobs, their homes, and their health care. Millions more will have to put their dreams on hold.”
Whoah. A “national catastrophe!” Not only might I lose my job, house or health care if “we” neglect to “move swiftly,” but I might also have to, gasp, put my dreams on hold! I can handle jobless, homeless and maybe even disease-stricken, but dreamless? That I could not possibly bear. Please Congress, quit your bickering and pass this oh so important stimulus package immediately so President Obama can save my dreams and the dreams of millions of other Americans. The danger is far too great to waste time debating, thinking, or worrying about the devastating consequences of printing money out of thin air. Even though this theory has been tried before, it is obviously far from “tired” or “old.” With that in mind, I will put my dreams in your hands Mr. Obama, for I trust that you will do more with them than I ever could.